Misadventures
by codexfawkes
Summary: All Mal wanted was a cup of coffee, instead he got his resident crazy girl sleeping on top of his tied up merc. Today was the day he wished he'd stayed in bed.


Mal woke to a pounding head, mouth dryer than a desert and a rebelling stomach. After emptying the pitiful contents of his stomach and cleaning himself up, Mal painfully pulled himself up the ladder and into the corridor beyond. He slowly made his way toward the kitchen intent on making a large pot of strong coffee. Walking into the room Mal was assaulted by the sight and smell of day old dirty dishes and half eaten stale piled haphazardly in the sink. His disobedient merc had clearly not completed his chores before joining the rest of them at the spring festival on whatever gorram moon they were on. "Jayne!" Mal yelled instantly regretting it and clamping his hands over his head.

After the pounding receded some Mal turned and headed back toward the bunks, only to run into Simon. "Captain, have you seen River?" he asked wearily. "Nope." Mal answered stalking over to Jayne's hatch giving it a hard kick. "Jayne! You awake?" he called. "Mal?" Jayne yelled back. "Get your pi gu up here and do the ruttin dishes." Mal ordered in response. "I'm tied up!" Jayne replied loudly. "No one cares what you're doing Jayne, just get up here before the Captain's head explodes." Simon called back. "Ya gou cao de hun dan* I done told you I'm tied up, with rope and everything!" Jayne hollered back furious. Mal and Simon looked at each other incredulous, both of them fighting grins. "You decent?" Mal asked snorting with laughter. "Yeah, just hurry up I gotta take a leak!" Jayne called. Cackling with laughter Mal overrode the lock and opened the hatch, letting himself and Simon into the big mans bunk.

The men stumbled to a stop, their laughter fading as they took in the sight before them. Jayne lay on his bed in nothing but a pair of pants, tied wrist and ankle to the metal frame and curled up sound asleep on top of him thankfully wearing the dress she'd had on the night before was River. "Don't just stand there gawkin, get this crazy girl off and untie me." Jayne demanded. "Let's not be hasty, could be you did something to deserve this." Mal said slowly enjoying his merc's discomfort. "Cao Mal, this ain't funny." Jayne growled. "No, it's not." Simon agreed glaring at Jayne. Simon stalked forward and noticing bright orange ear plugs in his sisters ears, gently removed them before shaking River's shoulder.

Seconds later sleepy brown eyes blinked up at him. "Morning?" she questioned with a yawn. "Yes mei mei, it's morning. River, why are you in Jayne's bunk?" Simon asked trying not to get upset. "Can we hurry this along? I gotta hit the head and this ain't the most comfy position ever." Jayne complained. "Doc, much as I hate to agree with Jayne, given her current position his bladder goes River's gonna suffer as much as him." Mal pointed out. River made a face and scrambled off of him. In less than a minute she'd untied the ropes and was heading up the ladder. "Come on Simon, none of us want to watch and the Captain needs coffee." She said as Jayne hurried toward his toilet. "At least wait until we're outta here." Mal snapped all but shoving Simon up the ladder. Tell tale sounds and Jayne's moan of relief were his only answer to the disgust of all.

About fifteen minutes later Jayne strolled into the kitchen and started washing the dishes as if he hadn't just been found tied to his bed with River on top of him. "Jayne what the hell happened last night?" Mal demanded. "Ain't rightly sure Mal, got pretty damn drunk. Last thing I remember clear like was dancin with some blonde hopin to get some trim." Jayne answered honestly. "You could have stopped at dancing." Simon commented disapprovingly. "You're wound way too tight doc, might do you some good to get a piece your own self. It's not like you ain't got the opportunity. Hell Kaylee's done everythin but show up nekkid in your bunk." Jayne pointed out. "Don't talk about her like that. Kaylee isn't one of your whores, she's more than a piece of trim you degenerate." Simon snapped angrily. "Bi zui!" Mal yelled massaging his temples. "Lil witch, why did you tie Jayne to his bunk and sleep on him?" Mal asked turning his attention to River. "Jayne man told me to." River replied.

"No way crazy, why the hell would I do that? Don't make a lick of sense." Jayne denied. "Did so. Jayne was drunk and swaying with the blonde. I was dancing with the fire, trying to move like the flames. With no warning spun away from the top heavy blonde and pulled me close, swaying to the music. Jayne whispered that the blonde kept taking about getting off world and asking to see the ship. You feared gaining a Saffron of your own and made me promise not to let you do something stupid. Book was sleeping and even Simon was inebriated, no one else to ask for help. I asked how I was supposed to stop him, Jayne responded 'hell I don't know, tie me down and sit on me if you gotta.' Handsy chang fu** tried to steal Jayne away and I stopped her, knocked her on her pi gu in the dirt. Then guided you back to the ship and into your bunk. I tried to get you to stay put but you forgot the promise and the reason behind it. Thought I eliminated the blonde to keep you for myself. When I refused to bed you while you were intoxicated you tried to return to the party. So I tricked you into letting me tie you down. Thought it was a fine game until you realized my intention was sleep not sex. He kept complaining so I borrowed his ear plugs. Jayne makes a very good pillow. Muscular planes a perfect counter balance to feminine curves, we fit together quite well." River explained.

"Thought you didn't like nor trust our little witch none, now you're counting on her to watch your back?" Mal asked eyeing Jayne. "I was drunk Mal, prolly thought she were Kaylee." He defended with a shrug. "Knew it was me, called her River-girl." River sing-songed smugly. "You thought my sister was going to sleep with you?" Simon asked tightly. "You know what they say doc, you seen one woman nekkid you wanna see the rest of 'em." Jayne taunted with a leer. "She's only seventeen!" Simon exclaimed. "Eighteen two weeks ago. You forgot, didn't want to make you feel bad. You have a lot on your mind." River corrected patting his arm comfortingly. Simon opened his mouth to deny forgetting her birthday only to realize he had in fact done just that. "It's alright, lots of excitement. Bounty hunter shooting you, Inara leaving and coming to grips with my reading. It's okay." River soothed.

Mal took the opportunity to make the long awaited pot of coffee in the now clean kitchen and soon the scent of brewing coffee and protein oatmeal lured the others to the table. As people became more awake Mal related the suddenly funny story of River rescuing in her own unique way. Soon everyone was genially ribbing Jayne, except Simon who was lost in guilt and Book who was lost in thought. "Son, do you mind if I borrowed your encyclopedia?" Book asked Simon pulling him out of his daze. "Certainly." He agreed moving to retrieve it from the infirmary. "I'll fetch it myself, finish your breakfast." The Sheppard said smiling as he stood.

Several minutes later Book walked back into the galley and retook his seat, eyes never leaving the screen in front of him. "I'm afraid I may have some troubling news. I'll need to contact the town priestess to confirm my suspicions but I do believe Jayne may now be River's lawful husband." Book announced finally looking up from the text to see seven shocked faces staring back at him. "If this is a joke preacher, I ain't laughing." Jayne choked out. "The laws on this planet are some what odd and are very much slanted in favor women. Here on Diana during the spring festival of Beltane that we all attended yesterday, any woman can claim any man as her husband as long as she is of age and not related to him. It is even permissible to claim another's husband as long as she is of age and not related to him. It is even permissible to claim another's husband if the couple has no children. If two women are vying for the same man all that needs to be done is for one of the women to physically over power the other and lead the man back to her home, keeping him by her side until dawn. By her own admission River overpowered the other woman and brought Jayne back to Serenity, River's home. As we're still planet side and it was several hours after sunrise they parted ways. By my understanding that means for the next year and a day River and Jayne are bound in a temporary marriage, at the end of which they either part ways or marry for life." Shepard Book explained.

"What is it you have to check with the priestess about?" Zoe asked after a long moment. "It is possible, however unlikely that because the union was not consummated before sunrise it is invalid. It wasn't right?" Book questioned Jayne sharply. "Hell no preacher!" Jayne denied. "Good, I'll walk into town and consult the priestess." Book said standing. "Zoe, go with him. Last thing we need is the locals figuring out we got fuggies on board. New rule, anyone wants to drink you do it on Serenity. No more gorram drunken marriages." Mal ordered heading for the bridge.

Two hours later Zoe and Book returned the ship looking annoyed. "Well?" Jayne demanded anxiously. "Welcome to the ranks of the married. Congratulations River, you now have your very own mercenary husband." Zoe said clapping Jayne on the shoulder. "What happened?" Mal asked wishing he'd stayed in bed. "The woman was quite confounding. She was absolutely convinced Zoe and I were the couple in question. Once we managed to get past that assumption she insisted we give her their names for the legal record." Book related with a sigh. "She was damned determined sir, threatened to land lock the ship if we didn't. Obviously we couldn't give her River's real name, so as far as the law is concerned Elizabeth River Reynolds accidentally married Jayne Cobb last night." Zoe reported.

"No way, no I ain't stayin married to the crazy girl." Jayne declared. River narrowed her eyes in anger before marching over to where he was sitting on his weight bench. Without warning she straddled his lap, took his face in her hands and kissed him. At first Jayne simply sat there in shock not responding then suddenly with a low groan his head tilted to the side, clearly deepening the kiss, one hand tangling in her hair the other splayed out on the small of back pressing her closer. As abruptly as she started Rived pulled away, climbing off Jayne's lap and putting several feet between herself and the man looking put out the sudden loss of her. "Can't have it both ways Jayne." She said before turning and walking away.

"What the hell was that?" Mal spluttered angrily. Jayne didn't respond, instead he stared mutely in the direction River had walked in. "What exactly has been going on between you and my sister?" Simon asked tightly. Jayne slowly rose to his feet ignoring the curious and accusatory looks of his crew mates and heading after her. "Looks like I married her doc." He tossed over his shoulder as he left the bay. Jayne found River sitting on her bed. "What the hell was that?" he asked trying not get angry. "I'm not just the crazy girl. Didn't intend or want to marry anyone, doesn't mean rejection hurt." River told him. "That were some pretty damned good kissin." He confessed sitting next to her. "Yes, it was." She agreed her mouth twitching into a smile. "Look River, you don't really wanna be married to me do ya?" he asked. "No, still don't trust each other. I'm still kinda crazy. Would like to be your friend though." River replied softly. "So we'll just wait this thing out. You concentrate on fixin the genius brain a yours, I'll work on provin Ariel ain't gonna happen again and maybe we'll end up bein friends. Though if'n you wanted to kiss on me like that every once and a while that'd be okay." Jayne told her with a leering grin. River giggled and leaned her head on his arm. "Terms are acceptable ape man." She agreed.

*dog humping bastard

** slut


End file.
